Monday, September 15, 2014

So, dating.

So, I'm not trying to brag here, but before my marriage dating was easy.  There wasn't much problem capturing the attention of someone I was interested in.  Boys would initiate and there would be a genuine back and forth of interest.  The guy would call me, not much texting was involved.  Free time was wanted to be spent together.  I could go out whenever I wanted, any night of the week.  All weekends were free.  I didn't have anyone to worry about but myself. 

And with that easy dating, came the easiness of falling in love.  I fell in love and I got married.  Young.  Which is not uncommon in Utah and I don't think that it's necessarily always a negative thing, but, I do believe that with age and experience, comes wisdom.  If you're doing it right, that is.

Anyway, back to the dating thing.  Dating before marriage, easy peasy.  Dating after marriage, HARD AS CRAP.  I don't know when the game changed, but it changed and so did the rules.  It did a double flip, punch to the face, back handspring, cartwheel, punch to the throat, 180.  I don't even understand what's going on half the time.  When did it all become such a game?  If someone initiates conversation via text, am I supposed to wait a certain amount of time to reply?  I guess!  Am I supposed to be really vague and mysterious and not communicate my feelings?  That's right!  Do I act mostly uninterested but with just enough interest to capture attention?  Yes!  Do I date a lot of other people and never commit to anything?  You guessed it!  Am I supposed to text dirty things and totally be fine with men asking for pictures in the nude?  Duh!

I am either crazy, very cynical, or extremely realistic and kind of experienced.  I think I'm the third thing.  It's been almost 3 years since I was officially divorced and 3.5 years since I was separated and had filed for divorce.  In this time (I didn't really date for the first year) I have gone on a LOT of first dates.  Never in my life have I experienced such childish behavior among adults claiming to all want the same thing in life.  Genuine companionship is what we all "want."  No men, no you don't.  You either love the single game or you're too damaged and jaded to care.  Lots of you are liars.  You mostly have intentions that are not of a gentlemanly nature.  Here I am, dating with the mindset of how it was before and to the men I have dated, I've been a fool.  I'm HUGE on communication, on showing feelings as they come, spending time together (gasp!) and getting to really know each other in real life, not just texts.  Weird I know.  I believe that people want to feel wanted and desired and I don't really know why we can't show that to each other.  But apparently it's very taboo. 

Please explain this to me people, because I still don't understand.  I have a lot of things that narrow the "sea" of fish, so to speak. I work full time. I have full custody of 3 kids.  Those two things alone make it hard to date.  Then throw in the caliber of person I'm looking for, THEIR time restraints and you've got yourself a disaster people.  Until I feel someone is really worth it, I don't like to get a babysitter and leave the kids to go out on a date.  That gives me 4 days a month and a few hours on a weeknight, when I don't have children with me.

Dating is dumb.  It's awful.  It's superficial.  It's intimidating.  It's disappointing.  But.... it makes for a LOT of hilarious stories.  I sometimes can't even believe my life.  It's like a Seinfeld episode sometimes and other times it's like the Young and the Restless.  I'm so conflicted in how to view my future.  I know my worth and what I have to offer, I'm not a bad catch.  But I truly feel that a genuinely good man is nearly impossible to come by.  That combined with a compatibility, chemistry, common future hopes & dreams.... it's like throwing yourself off a cliff and hoping for the best.  Maybe landing on something softer than the ground will do. 

Okay, now that we have the negative out of the way, let's talk about some of the most memorable dates I've had.  These are all real.  I won't be writing any names because as hilarious/terrible/embarrassing as these men were, I would never reveal who they are on the interwebs. 

1)  The man who expressed disappointment in my neckline of my sweater.  I was legit wearing a sweater and he was "disappointed" in the lowness of my neckline.  What?  First of all, it's a sweater.  Second, you are a man and you are complaining about this?  Third, it's not all that easy to dress a large chest.  I could wear a parka and there'd be some sort of cleavage somewhere.  And finally, WHO SAYS THAT TO ANOTHER PERSON THEY JUST MET?  It's called social awareness.  Some people may call it tact, who knows or cares what it's called, but APPLY it to your life.  If nothing else but for your own sake. 

2)  The dude who brought his guitar on the date.  Cool, you play the guitar, that's awesome.  But please don't bring it on a first date man!  And to my horror he started playing the guitar and singing.  But no, he wasn't singing songs written by a professional... no... he was singing made up songs.  With the same three chords.  With a flat, out of tune voice.  But trying really hard to sound good.  Were these made up songs full of normal(ish) lyrics?  Thank you for asking, but no.  I was asked questions like, "What's your favorite animal" and "Where was your favorite place to go on vacation" and then the songs were born.  You guys, he sang about a dog.  He BARKED for the chorus.  He sang about Mexico, with all the inappropriate Mexican stereotypes.  It.was.horrifying and after I finish this blog post I'd like to never speak of it again.

3)  The guys (yes several fall into this category and might I mention that none of the venters were "set-ups" they have all been people I've met on my own. I've actually been on one or two "set ups" and they were actually lovely, but we won't discuss that) who talked about their dating/divorces for literally, the entire date.  Maybe I have the face of a therapist because I've never heard so much personal crap after saying, "Nice to meet you," in my life.  Sure I'd like to hear about your personal experiences, but can we do it after we talk about a few other things.  Like, what's your last name?  Do you have kids?  How many?  What do you like to do for fun?  It's all slightly uncomfortable and while I really feel for these guys...I like to talk too, you know?

4)  The dude who not only talked about how wealthy he was, but also how he's dated the most beautiful women imaginable.  Some women that I might even "recognize" (AKA, famous).  Dude, you made me feel like a warty piece of toast.  Here I am, thinking I look pretty cute, and then you go on and on about how you're rich and how you haven't found anyone to marry even though they are the most beautiful and famous women on the planet.  And to add insult to injury, you made the end of this horrific dinner into what seemed to be a charity and showering of advice to help me through my hard times.  Nah.  All the money in the world couldn't buy that guy any tact.  Are you so socially unaware that you don't recognize you said and did every possible thing to make feel like a floppy fish?  Oh no you didant!  *snap snap snap*

5)  The guy who showed up 30 minutes late, in his golf clothes and then had to leave 40 minutes later to pick up his kids.  Oh, you were so engrossed in your golf game that you forgot you had a date that you made sure was still happening only hours before?  Okay - things happen, I guess.  But... showing up all sweaty in totally coordinated and matching golf gear?  Baby blue and white hat, baby blue shirt, white shorts and baby blue SHOES.  And then, calling yourself a "public figure?"  I gave this guy a second chance and on the second date we went on a motorcycle ride.  But oh, where did we go?  A model toy shop.  WITH his friend, to help this "friend" pick out a toy for his son's birthday.  How long did we spend in that painfully hot toy store helping some guy pick out a toy?  An hour.  After picking out the toy, we went on a ride up the canyon.  It was actually really fun, but horrifyingly hot.  So hot we had to stop for a drink at a gas station.  After I furiously searched through the cold drinks and found one that appealed to me, I ripped it open and started to drink it.  I brought the drink up to the cash register, with my date, and they were rung up together.  Did my date forget his wallet?  Yes... yes he did.  Did I have my wallet?  No dude, I can't bring a purse on a motorcycle!  Was most of my drink already gone?  Yep.  Have I seen the guy since?  Nope.

I could go on and on, but I'll save those stories for another day.  This world of being single and dating is a very funny, yet horrific mess.  They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince and to them I say, YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE, YOU DON'T KNOW THIS NEW DATING WORLD, GO HOME!


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